Run away from that job where nothing seems to happen and you just waste your time and potential? Where you just fade away into the sea of citizens working to stay above water.

Run away from that circle of friends who's loyalty and motives you've been questioning more and more lately?

Run away from all the classes you signed up for and spent your last on?

I get that feeling ever so often. It comes in waves. I always just want to pick up and  start a new life, somewhere far, far away.

But since I've reached adulthood that has never been a viable option because...reasons.

So I do what I can to feel like I'm taking a sabbatical. 

It always starts with me deleting my social media. This personal hiatus is always rationalized with the idea that "I don't want  them to see me, nor do I want to see them!"  

Who is them? Who are they?

(I'm starting to think that DJ Khaled and I are referencing the same "they.")

But to me, "them," is a host of people that don't matter, along with some people that do matter, who can form an opinion about what I am or am not doing. They are people who are not on my journey, who I could compare myself to, that would leave me feeling like shit.

That's how I rationalize it for myself but if I was really getting to the root of why I feel the need to strip myself from the world/social media, I would see that the reason is mostly...me. 

Its so easy to create this reality online that everything is fine and dandy.
My eyebrows are always on fleek (but they are, thank God for thick brows,)
my weave is always laid (haha I wish),
I haven't gained 40 pounds ( thank God for black apparel and angles)
and my favorite, I don't miss my ex that a few months prior was my MCE.
I didnt want to see the life that I could create so perfectly online and then log off and want to die because Tai from Crwnfit had it all together, while Tailah was just...  lost.

Needless to say, I'm currently on a sabbatical. 

I started by removing the social media apps on my phone that I use most frequently to make myself feel like my life is ok. Those would be facebook, twitter, and snapchat. 

I left a cryptic tweet.

Posted a fire selfie to facebook ( to hold the people over till I return) 

and took a mental note of  who had watched my last few snaps before I sent the app to the trash

I was ready to be done with it all.

The least used apps stayed (instagram)

and of course I kept my tumblr because, tumblr is like social media unplugged. You can reblog on there all day and still be off the grid.

But now that Im gone from social media and have less time to feel like I'm living a lie I need to make my life suck less in real life and just live. 

I need to live like no one is watching because now, no one is watching. 

Who am I when no one is watching? Who am I when I can't manipulate and control how others see me?

When my relationship ended,  I permanently deleted any social media where he and I were connected. We were never friends on facebook so I kept that account and I got a whole new instagram, twitter, and snapchat for my brand, CRWNFit. When he and I broke up I was determined that all of my energy would go into building this brand. CRWNFit would be my baby, my bay, my man. Here I am four months later and I have done nothing for my brand but talk about it.We broke up in August, by september I enrolled in a personal training program and made the decision to make my life about health and happiness. So here I am one semester down in this uber expensive program, with a health and fitness brand still in the brainchild stages, and as unhealthy and unhappy as I have been in a very long time. I have lost my fire and passion to workout that I once had. I eat like shit and I am convinced I have an eating disorder and although I'm less depressed than I once was, I'm still pretty darn sad a lot of the time.

So what am I doing?

What have I been doing with myself?

I don't really know, but I do know that some changes have to be made.

I still stand by my decision to leave social media for a while but this time I need to get my life in order. The whole idea was to leave and come back better than ever, so that when I do post about myself and all these wonderful things, they would no longer feel like a lie. Of course my reason for wanting a better life is not just to look good on social media, but I want to feel amazing in  real life.  

I want my ideal life in real life. 

I'm tired of crying and beating myself up. I'm ready to do something. I'm ready to be my greatest self. 

So if anyone is reading this long ass post, I hope that what you get out of it is....RUN AWAY. 

If you need to do it, baby, just RUN. 

But run to something better!

Run and get your shit together, run and find you! Even if you ain't got the funds and your hiatus just has to be from social media, just do it and take your time. Find yourself and be who you want to be.