"You can slide, I'm just coolin with squad. Don't mind me"
the moths started dancing in my gut again.
That nervousness quickly turned to anger.

"Does he really think I'm just sitting around waiting for him to leave before I go over there?"
"Does he really think that he runs this show?"
"Didn't I tell this mf not to contact me?"

I had never screenshotted anything so quickly in my life, I sent it to my cousin, Surah and told her to contact me ASAP. I couldn't continue on my date any longer. I had to cut it short. I told him that I enjoyed his company but I really had to go.

As soon as I got in the car, Surah was calling me. Perfect timing.

"Im NOT going!"  I said
She said I was being dramatic. " Just go, he don't run no show! Don't let him control you."

Eventually she convinced me to go and I was on my way but I knew I couldn't be sober for this situation.

Now I'm not a big smoker or drinker. I indulge from time to time. I didn't really take a liking to smoking until I started dating Taurus and once he and I broke up, I did find myself smoking much more than I ever had before. I had a little something to smoke in the car so I lit that on the way to Tee's house.

When I got there I was elevated and I didn't really care. Game on. I walked in Tee's house telling myself I was queen. I wasn't going to let this shit phase me.

I speak to everyone and keep it moving. No personal hello for him. I get settled and speak to his friends. I grab some food and from there the night rolls on. Soon after, I realized I wasn't faded enough. I bought a sawbuck off of one of his friends and went outside and ended up matching with a few of his homies. Just as I was finding my wave, here comes Taurus meandering his way outside.

He walks up and stands next to me.
"When you start hitting the blunt?"he says.
I shrug.
"You dont know?"he asks
"Nah" I say. Passing him the blunt. He takes it, clearly surprised at the gesture. "I don't know if I should be smoking. I was doing so good. Nah, I'm not gone smoke." He hands it back to me and goes back in the house. I'm confused as f*ck but I wasn't going to sweat the small stuff.
After a few more minutes I'd had enough and decided to go back in the house. I shared some small talk with Tee and I just knew I was not about to spend another night in the same awkward haze as the night before. I took a deep breath, pulled up my big girl panties and walk over to him. I grabbed Taurus by the arm, "We should talk." I say. Hesitantly, he obliged and we went over to a wall where no one was seated. Standing on the wall, I realized that me being intoxicated was going to make this much more awkward  than it had to be but I fought through it.

Pleasantries were exchanged. It was like riding a bike to be honest. The conversation was a lil bumpy in the beginning but once I got into the groove of things the wheels started turning and I was talking to an old friend. We caught each other up on what we'd been doing. He mentioned how his mother and family constantly ask about me; and how  it drives him nuts. He let me listen to one of his songs which briefly addressed the break up. At some point in the conversation it got really serious. I let him know that I felt like he wasn't loyal, that he'd left me when I wasn't doing well. Of course he didn't see it that way. He claimed that he never saw me any differently even though I was going through a deep depression. I'm not going to lie, some points of the conversations turned a lot of my conclusions and periods into question marks, regarding the end of our relationship.
Besides the emotional side of things, the sexual tension started to peak closer to the end of the night. Hints were being dropped left and right.
 The thought was toyed around with, one could even say seriously considered, but all in all, it never happened.

Since I've had a few weeks to process this night I have felt an array of emotions. I was really confused the first following days, I didn't know what to feel.I was a bit upset that I was intoxicated the night of and wished I'd had more clarity to alleviate the later confusion. I was also just so overwhelmed with NYE and NY day that I just felt so emotionally drained. Now that its a few weeks post, I can see much clearer.

I am a girl that loves deeply.  I am one that constantly struggles between ego and heart. My latest relationship and the way that it ended testified to this struggle and showcased it in a major way. I've realized that things do not end perfectly, some questions will never be answered,and I'm starting to believe that there is no real closure. Sometimes you've just got to get your self and all your shit and move the f*ck on. So I'm straightening my crown, I may never fully understand what Taurus and I ever really were. I just know that from the moment I met him I felt anxious, unsettled and I just sort of new that this man would hurt me. Before we even started dating I could just look at him and tell that he was going to break my heart. But I fought for that feeling, I worked hard for that heartbreak. I new it would ruin me but I welcomed him and his love with open arms. I turned him into home.

I now know that he was everything I needed at that exact moment in my life. Even now, the thought of us feels way too surreal. Without feeling the loss of this relationship, there is no way I would be prepared for the road that lies ahead. I'm mature enough now to take it for what it was; A Beautiful Distraction.

But now, I'm ready to work.
I go into 2016 with a clear mind, clear vision, and clear heart.
Thank you for taking this journey with me.