I'm walking in the dark. And after my eyes have adjusted, all I can see is nothing.
But still I keep going. Carefully placing my feet, one after the other, arms outstretched, reaching to keep from crashing while simultaneously trying to grab hold of something, anything to make the darkness less unnerving.  Part of me is into this; the darkness. It's soothing;  quiet. Being in this unknown space is invigorating and teases adventure but another portion of myself hates this. The basic me; safe. The portion of me who  needs to control everything,  with every step, edging further into panic, finally screams, "where is the light?"

That is how I have been operating through my life this year. After a very eventful New Year's Eve and Day,  I had a feeling that 2016 would be full of shit, and it did not disappoint. A shit show it was, but leave it to the optimist in me to find a rainbow somewhere after a year long storm.

In 2016:

• At the beginning of this year, I sought a full time job with higher pay and by March I got exactly that.
• That same month, I said that I'd move out of my mother's house by mid-May. I signed a lease for my own apartment on May 12th.
• This summer, I successfully hosted a party in my first apartment. 
• From January to March I lost 30 lbs, through clean eating and meal prepping.
• I stopped eating meat this year!
• I turned 25 last month and all I wanted was to wake up somewhere beautiful. I made that happen. I traveled to San Diego, California for the first time and spent my birthday in the mountains.
  
• I learned my own strength this year. I learned that when I put my mind to something there isn't much I can't do.

The darkness wants some shine too:

I was in the dark this year but I did not wallow there. I found myself furthering my spiritual journey. I learned a lot about who I am at essence, beyond the surface demo. I learned about chakras, and meditation, the healing powers of crystals, the importance of self care and most importantly the power I possess as a being of light and a woman, a black wombyn at that.

I learned how to say 'no.'
I've  also learned how to say 'yes.'
My goals have changed, my needs have changed
and I've realized that sometimes being in the dark is necessary to find the lighthouse that is yourself.

This year has been a  literal roller-coaster; there were awe-inspiring highs followed by gut-wrenching lows and I went screaming, crying, and laughing the whole ride.







And now, with a few hours left in this sucka ass year, I'm walking into the new year...in the dark. There's a lot of uncertainty, everything isn't perfect but I've found comfort in being uncomfortable. I'm still moving forward , arms outstretched,.beckoning to 2017 to come on with it. I'm no longer  intimidated by the dark  because I am the light, Ill find my way. I'm ready.