I started this blog a few years back, in the wake of a newly ended relationship. I tried to heal and let go of my best friend. Since then, I have fallen in and out of love with someone else but I have never stopped loving and caring about my previous boyfriend. Of course I moved on, I was OK with not being with him romantically. At the same time I did miss our friendship and I always wanted to get to a place where we could be friends again. We've always remained cordial but he was the person that taught me how to let go of people. For as long as I've known him, he was less forgiving in certain situations and he had no problem with cutting people out of his life for good. I kind of adapted to that way of life and I now do the same when necessary. But now, the lesson I've learned from this teacher has come back to bite me in the butt.

I learned last weekend, that this same old friend of mine has been very sick lately. He has been diagnosed with Leukemia. This came to a shock to me and it hurt me to my core. Before learning this terrible news I'd spoken to him about two months prior. We were having a nice and friendly conversation on the phone. I had hopes that I was getting my friend back, he even agreed that we could hang out soon. The next few times I reached out to him after that conversation, I never received a response, I just figured that he had reservations about speaking to me so often and decided to keep his distance. I didn't push the issue, I let it go. Now a few months later, just last weekend, my cousin gave me the news. (My cousin and my ex share a mutual friend.) I was heartbroken and I just couldn't take it. I just felt like life ,as I knew it, was not real. I had been thinking about him heavy lately and never in a million years would I had thought that he was in the position that he is in now.

I was so sad but most of all I just want to be there for him and it kills me that I cant be.
I started to reevaluate everything, not just my relationship (or should I say non -relationship) with this person but I started to think about my life and the decisions that I've made. I contemplated what is important to me and what is not? How have I been navigating through this life? I also thought about my most recent failed relationship and the fact that I asked him not to contact me anymore...Could I live with myself if anything ever happened to him?

This put me in a difficult position mentally. While I feel that not everyone is meant to be a permanent fixture in your life, you do have to deal with the consequences of cutting someone you care about out of your life.
You have to realize that life will happen, not only to you but to them. Birthdays will come and go and you may not speak to them or celebrate how you once did. Illness/sickness could fall on either of you and while you would hate to hear of any bad news, you probably wont be in the position to be there for the person, no matter how badly you would like to be. God forbid, the person could die, you gone show up to their funeral with that fake shit?
nah man, if you let someone go you gotta be prepared for life after that shit. Do I have it in me? I dont know.

Is anyone out there?
I don't know if anyone reads this but if there is anyone joining me, Hola!
I'm starting to get the hang of this blog thing. I mean I know I can start one, but maintaining is another story.
I'm working on it.
Keeping up with this blog is important to me, I love to look back and read how much has changed. Personal growth is something I value. I also feel like the process of writing and holding myself accountable, will help me be a better person. I used to spend so much time writing, it was effortless as a child. However, as I grew older, although I knew I had a gift, it became harder, almost a chore or something I was avoiding to hide from my truth. This has been a long road back to writing and now I can say its therapeutic. I don't always know what to write about. Its not that there aren't a million things on my mind, its just that I don't want to come on here and complain.
I dont want to come on here and dump all my negativity. I want to share my experiences that are challenging me but also shaping me into a better person.

Right now my main focus is finding another job so that I can focus on my classes for my certification. Right now I drive for Uber, and while that has its advantages, the disadvantages are taking a toll on my health. Its stressful not having a steady check and a set wage each week. I will definitely continue to drive for Uber once I am employed but I just need a job where I know I will always have a check coming in. I've had two interviews this past week and I feel that both went very well. I will know something by next week for one of them and I just really hope I got the job, I would be able to breathe easier.

Besides finding employment, being a part time student, and training my clients , some other things have been on my mind:  My most recent break up. I'm not distraught and a mess, my day to day keeps me pretty busy but I do find myself  thinking about it a lot. What I think about most is that I've asked this person to never contact me again. While I still stand by that and want it to remain that way,  I cant stop thinking about the fact that I just really don't want to see or interact with someone that I have felt so deeply for. Its perplexing to me how I went from loving this person and would damn near do anything for them, to never wanting to see them again. I guess I'm just surprised at myself and I often wonder, "Am I a bad person? Am I wrong?"

I also know that we don't always get what we want and the universe could decide that we will cross paths, I often wonder how that encounter would go, how I would feel and what I would do. Its not unlikely that we will cross paths again, we do have a mutual friend. Chicago is smaller than it should be. and although we are not friends on social media, his family members have found me and added me since the break up. I cant be rude to his family, I've formed relationships with these people and they have nothing to do with our break up. But I've really tried to just remove this person from my life and it makes it harder to do when people related to him are in the mix. *sigh* I try not to put too much thought and energy into it but I often find my mind drifting there, I'm sure time will change that.

Besides dwelling on my past relationships I think a lot about my future ones as well. One would think I have enough on my plate already to be worried about something that hasn't happened and could possibly never happen. I mean come on, what if I die tomorrow? I done spent all this time thinking about a man that I ain't even get to meet! Not trying to be cynical but it could very well happen, people die everyday, B. But I must admit, I do think a lot about who I will be with and what I want in a partner. While I don't think anything is entirely wrong with that, I do know that I need to focus on myself right now. Its not like I'm looking, I swear I'm not! but I'm not, not looking. I guess I can say I keep myself open but I ain't putting up ads. I like being in a relationship, I feel bad about saying that. Like, I know I just got out of a relationship and I know I should be able to be alone, and I can be! I just miss companionship. I miss having someone to connect with when I just want to shut the world out. Sharing secrets with and doing things with. I miss that and I'm being painfully honest. People always say you find the one when you least expect it, but I feel like, the way my mind is set up, I overthink and over plan everything, if I go to the damn gas station, I be thinking " I could meet the love of my life." I know I may be silly, I may be just a hopeless romantic. but this is who I am. I don't know.
I guess I'll just have to see.
I'm sure I'll write.

So its 2015. Needless to say, every year I realize I have a blog, I  make a post and almost immediately, I forget about it again.
I'm 23, I graduated from college last year. I have a bachelors in Communication Sciences and Disorders.
I'm taking courses to become a certified personal trainer.
I don't really know where I'm going but I know I cant stay where I am.
I am the most uncomfortable with my current stage in life that I have ever been in my 23 years and to me that is confirmation that something big is about to unfold. I feel so lost and so dissatisfied with my current state that its driving me to something better, I just know it. My optimism has always been a gift and a curse.
I wish I could share and explain everything that has happened up to this point but there is just too much that there is no real place to begin and I'm so perplexed with my present that I cant even bother to unravel and detail my past in any coherent way.
I hope someday soon all of this will make sense.