Is anyone out there?
I don't know if anyone reads this but if there is anyone joining me, Hola!
I'm starting to get the hang of this blog thing. I mean I know I can start one, but maintaining is another story.
I'm working on it.
Keeping up with this blog is important to me, I love to look back and read how much has changed. Personal growth is something I value. I also feel like the process of writing and holding myself accountable, will help me be a better person. I used to spend so much time writing, it was effortless as a child. However, as I grew older, although I knew I had a gift, it became harder, almost a chore or something I was avoiding to hide from my truth. This has been a long road back to writing and now I can say its therapeutic. I don't always know what to write about. Its not that there aren't a million things on my mind, its just that I don't want to come on here and complain.
I dont want to come on here and dump all my negativity. I want to share my experiences that are challenging me but also shaping me into a better person.

Right now my main focus is finding another job so that I can focus on my classes for my certification. Right now I drive for Uber, and while that has its advantages, the disadvantages are taking a toll on my health. Its stressful not having a steady check and a set wage each week. I will definitely continue to drive for Uber once I am employed but I just need a job where I know I will always have a check coming in. I've had two interviews this past week and I feel that both went very well. I will know something by next week for one of them and I just really hope I got the job, I would be able to breathe easier.

Besides finding employment, being a part time student, and training my clients , some other things have been on my mind:  My most recent break up. I'm not distraught and a mess, my day to day keeps me pretty busy but I do find myself  thinking about it a lot. What I think about most is that I've asked this person to never contact me again. While I still stand by that and want it to remain that way,  I cant stop thinking about the fact that I just really don't want to see or interact with someone that I have felt so deeply for. Its perplexing to me how I went from loving this person and would damn near do anything for them, to never wanting to see them again. I guess I'm just surprised at myself and I often wonder, "Am I a bad person? Am I wrong?"

I also know that we don't always get what we want and the universe could decide that we will cross paths, I often wonder how that encounter would go, how I would feel and what I would do. Its not unlikely that we will cross paths again, we do have a mutual friend. Chicago is smaller than it should be. and although we are not friends on social media, his family members have found me and added me since the break up. I cant be rude to his family, I've formed relationships with these people and they have nothing to do with our break up. But I've really tried to just remove this person from my life and it makes it harder to do when people related to him are in the mix. *sigh* I try not to put too much thought and energy into it but I often find my mind drifting there, I'm sure time will change that.

Besides dwelling on my past relationships I think a lot about my future ones as well. One would think I have enough on my plate already to be worried about something that hasn't happened and could possibly never happen. I mean come on, what if I die tomorrow? I done spent all this time thinking about a man that I ain't even get to meet! Not trying to be cynical but it could very well happen, people die everyday, B. But I must admit, I do think a lot about who I will be with and what I want in a partner. While I don't think anything is entirely wrong with that, I do know that I need to focus on myself right now. Its not like I'm looking, I swear I'm not! but I'm not, not looking. I guess I can say I keep myself open but I ain't putting up ads. I like being in a relationship, I feel bad about saying that. Like, I know I just got out of a relationship and I know I should be able to be alone, and I can be! I just miss companionship. I miss having someone to connect with when I just want to shut the world out. Sharing secrets with and doing things with. I miss that and I'm being painfully honest. People always say you find the one when you least expect it, but I feel like, the way my mind is set up, I overthink and over plan everything, if I go to the damn gas station, I be thinking " I could meet the love of my life." I know I may be silly, I may be just a hopeless romantic. but this is who I am. I don't know.
I guess I'll just have to see.
I'm sure I'll write.