I started this blog a few years back, in the wake of a newly ended relationship. I tried to heal and let go of my best friend. Since then, I have fallen in and out of love with someone else but I have never stopped loving and caring about my previous boyfriend. Of course I moved on, I was OK with not being with him romantically. At the same time I did miss our friendship and I always wanted to get to a place where we could be friends again. We've always remained cordial but he was the person that taught me how to let go of people. For as long as I've known him, he was less forgiving in certain situations and he had no problem with cutting people out of his life for good. I kind of adapted to that way of life and I now do the same when necessary. But now, the lesson I've learned from this teacher has come back to bite me in the butt.
I learned last weekend, that this same old friend of mine has been very sick lately. He has been diagnosed with Leukemia. This came to a shock to me and it hurt me to my core. Before learning this terrible news I'd spoken to him about two months prior. We were having a nice and friendly conversation on the phone. I had hopes that I was getting my friend back, he even agreed that we could hang out soon. The next few times I reached out to him after that conversation, I never received a response, I just figured that he had reservations about speaking to me so often and decided to keep his distance. I didn't push the issue, I let it go. Now a few months later, just last weekend, my cousin gave me the news. (My cousin and my ex share a mutual friend.) I was heartbroken and I just couldn't take it. I just felt like life ,as I knew it, was not real. I had been thinking about him heavy lately and never in a million years would I had thought that he was in the position that he is in now.
I was so sad but most of all I just want to be there for him and it kills me that I cant be.
I started to reevaluate everything, not just my relationship (or should I say non -relationship) with this person but I started to think about my life and the decisions that I've made. I contemplated what is important to me and what is not? How have I been navigating through this life? I also thought about my most recent failed relationship and the fact that I asked him not to contact me anymore...Could I live with myself if anything ever happened to him?
This put me in a difficult position mentally. While I feel that not everyone is meant to be a permanent fixture in your life, you do have to deal with the consequences of cutting someone you care about out of your life.
You have to realize that life will happen, not only to you but to them. Birthdays will come and go and you may not speak to them or celebrate how you once did. Illness/sickness could fall on either of you and while you would hate to hear of any bad news, you probably wont be in the position to be there for the person, no matter how badly you would like to be. God forbid, the person could die, you gone show up to their funeral with that fake shit?
nah man, if you let someone go you gotta be prepared for life after that shit. Do I have it in me? I dont know.
I learned last weekend, that this same old friend of mine has been very sick lately. He has been diagnosed with Leukemia. This came to a shock to me and it hurt me to my core. Before learning this terrible news I'd spoken to him about two months prior. We were having a nice and friendly conversation on the phone. I had hopes that I was getting my friend back, he even agreed that we could hang out soon. The next few times I reached out to him after that conversation, I never received a response, I just figured that he had reservations about speaking to me so often and decided to keep his distance. I didn't push the issue, I let it go. Now a few months later, just last weekend, my cousin gave me the news. (My cousin and my ex share a mutual friend.) I was heartbroken and I just couldn't take it. I just felt like life ,as I knew it, was not real. I had been thinking about him heavy lately and never in a million years would I had thought that he was in the position that he is in now.
I was so sad but most of all I just want to be there for him and it kills me that I cant be.
I started to reevaluate everything, not just my relationship (or should I say non -relationship) with this person but I started to think about my life and the decisions that I've made. I contemplated what is important to me and what is not? How have I been navigating through this life? I also thought about my most recent failed relationship and the fact that I asked him not to contact me anymore...Could I live with myself if anything ever happened to him?
This put me in a difficult position mentally. While I feel that not everyone is meant to be a permanent fixture in your life, you do have to deal with the consequences of cutting someone you care about out of your life.
You have to realize that life will happen, not only to you but to them. Birthdays will come and go and you may not speak to them or celebrate how you once did. Illness/sickness could fall on either of you and while you would hate to hear of any bad news, you probably wont be in the position to be there for the person, no matter how badly you would like to be. God forbid, the person could die, you gone show up to their funeral with that fake shit?
nah man, if you let someone go you gotta be prepared for life after that shit. Do I have it in me? I dont know.
What is life?
- 7:29 PM
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