I'm walking in the dark. And after my eyes have adjusted, all I can see is nothing.
But still I keep going. Carefully placing my feet, one after the other, arms outstretched, reaching to keep from crashing while simultaneously trying to grab hold of something, anything to make the darkness less unnerving.  Part of me is into this; the darkness. It's soothing;  quiet. Being in this unknown space is invigorating and teases adventure but another portion of myself hates this. The basic me; safe. The portion of me who  needs to control everything,  with every step, edging further into panic, finally screams, "where is the light?"

That is how I have been operating through my life this year. After a very eventful New Year's Eve and Day,  I had a feeling that 2016 would be full of shit, and it did not disappoint. A shit show it was, but leave it to the optimist in me to find a rainbow somewhere after a year long storm.

In 2016:

• At the beginning of this year, I sought a full time job with higher pay and by March I got exactly that.
• That same month, I said that I'd move out of my mother's house by mid-May. I signed a lease for my own apartment on May 12th.
• This summer, I successfully hosted a party in my first apartment. 
• From January to March I lost 30 lbs, through clean eating and meal prepping.
• I stopped eating meat this year!
• I turned 25 last month and all I wanted was to wake up somewhere beautiful. I made that happen. I traveled to San Diego, California for the first time and spent my birthday in the mountains.
  
• I learned my own strength this year. I learned that when I put my mind to something there isn't much I can't do.

The darkness wants some shine too:

I was in the dark this year but I did not wallow there. I found myself furthering my spiritual journey. I learned a lot about who I am at essence, beyond the surface demo. I learned about chakras, and meditation, the healing powers of crystals, the importance of self care and most importantly the power I possess as a being of light and a woman, a black wombyn at that.

I learned how to say 'no.'
I've  also learned how to say 'yes.'
My goals have changed, my needs have changed
and I've realized that sometimes being in the dark is necessary to find the lighthouse that is yourself.

This year has been a  literal roller-coaster; there were awe-inspiring highs followed by gut-wrenching lows and I went screaming, crying, and laughing the whole ride.







And now, with a few hours left in this sucka ass year, I'm walking into the new year...in the dark. There's a lot of uncertainty, everything isn't perfect but I've found comfort in being uncomfortable. I'm still moving forward , arms outstretched,.beckoning to 2017 to come on with it. I'm no longer  intimidated by the dark  because I am the light, Ill find my way. I'm ready.

I started this blog in 2012 as a way to cope with losing my best friend. At the time,  losing meant ending a 2 year relationship with someone I had been friends with since the 6th grade; in retrospect, I had no idea what I was in for. I did know, however, that the ending of this relationship would definitely be felt deeply. Every major life event that I had had up until that point was shared with this person. He'd known everything about me in the most intimate way that someone can know you and he had loved me in a way that I had never been loved before.


Last year I shared on this blog the grief and helplessness I'd felt when I learned that he'd been diagnosed with Leukemia. When I learned of his diagnoses a portion of myself was already grieving. I wanted so badly to be there for my friend. The way I had been there before when something bad would happen, the way he had been there for me whenever I needed him but the breakup did not afford us that luxury. I resented our distance more than ever.  I knew that all I could do was reach out as much as he would allow me to.


On this blog I have only ever referred to him as Aries, but his name is Jordan and on September 15th, 2016. Jordan made his transition and went on to be with and become one of my ancestors. He is no longer physically here but his spirit is so strong and ever-present.


I'm convinced that that man is my soul mate...and although he was my boyfriend for a while, I don't mean that in a romantic sense. I believe that soul mates can come in the form of family members, friends, pets, all types of beings we encounter that you just have a soul connection with. Jordan has taught me so much about love even through his passing and it  has changed my life. I am so blessed to have known this man in the way that I have known him. I will never ever forget him.


I will not lie and say that I don't feel angry at times. I have been pissed. I have been so mad that this person who's personality was so lively and so high energy is no longer here in the way I've known him. I'm so angry at cancer. I am so mad that I wasn't able to be there for him. Why didn't I fight to be there? I have so many questions.


But this is life, and even when we don't want it to.. It goes on. I've learned that life is beautiful and death is apart of that. Death does not mean an end to existence all together but the end of one portion of a never ending journey. I don't view time as linear, I've come to believe that instead it is cyclical and I know that I will see him again. I wont  say I ain't hurt but I ain't trippin'. He's made his presence felt from dimensions away and I now know that even in physical death love does not die.


and so it was then and is still , 4510 'till infinity.

Its been a while, yes, I know. I've struggled to write anything because so much has happened since my last post and I really didn't know how or where to begin. While  many factors contributed to my hiatus, the main reason I haven't been able to write is because I knew that I could not come on here and talk about anything until I acknowledge what is going on right now.

It wasn't until recently that I realized how much of a late bloomer I was compared to some of my friends. I didn't buy my first bottle of wine until I was 24. It wasn't until I was 23 that I purchased and wore my first thong and up until a couple of weeks ago , I had never had my lady waxed.

Its been so long since my last post I cant even count the days

I must admit, I've been a bit inconsistent with posting and  honestly I have no excuses. Life is happening and I'm just going with it.

So, now that I'm back, updates are in order!

The last time I shared, I was on a job hunt. I was looking for a higher paying full time job and I now have one.
I took an entry level position at a well known hospital, here, in Chicago. I have to be honest, I wasn't too thrilled about the pay that they offered me; Although it is a much higher hourly rate than my part time job, I had a higher number in mind. Not only because of my Bachelors degree but also because I've got some experience in the field, surely that should count for something! Before I was even offered the position I was aware that people with less experience and no degree were making a certain amount so I gauged my own offer off of that, expecting more. When I found out I would be making less I was pissed, I'm not going to lie. I was just starting to feel that my degree was worth nothing and that I wasn't being valued, it was definitely discouraging. Eventually, I was able to see the bright side. My bills will be paid, I wont starve and I will finally be able to move out of my mom's house. Also,  I plan to seek a higher paying position within the hospital in a couple of months and this position is a great way for me to get my foot in the door! I want your bosses position bih!


Meanwhile I'm still working my part time job, enrolled in school, and completing my internship.

My life is hectic and it isn't slowing down anytime soon.

I'm just grateful for Sundays (my only off day) and really any small moments of peace I get.

Besides work, my weight loss has been the forefront of my life since I've been gone. I'm happy to say that its going great! I'm no longer in the 200s! I'm back in the coveted 100s and I vow to never let myself backpedal. I feel so much better and I cant wait to share what I've been doing and where I am exactly on that journey in a more detailed post!

Socially,
I've been in a weird place. Part of me would like to hang out and be around close friends and the other part of me hates everyone and just wants to be alone. In case you haven't noticed, I can be a bit moody. I can feel myself isolating myself from people that I would otherwise want to be around. My phone is on Do Not Disturb more often than not.  I feel like I'm just going through a weird phase in my social life where I kind of still care and don't give a fck, all at the same time. I'm way too good at falling back. I'm a big believer in " what will be will be" I'm not into forcing friendships and relationships if I'm really not feeling them/it. While I don't think anything is wrong with that, my only concern is that when I was going through a deep depression, I isolated myself in a similar way, the only difference now is that I'm not really sad. I'm just focused. I don't know if I'm just too busy to be depressed or if everything is just all good. I think that's something people who have suffered from depression go through, when things start to go well or life is not as gloomy as it used to be, we wonder if the sadness is really over, if things are really better, or if the darkness is just  looming behind the next corner. Anyhow, I can say that currently I'm not sad and I haven't been in a while and I feel like right now, certain aspects of my life are going well. My social life is just in a weird limbo space but honestly, I'm just going with the flow.

As far as my love life, nothing special is happening there. I've really been self-centered. Meaning I've been really focused on myself and not on any relationship with anyone. I've still been dating the one and only guy I've been going out with for a while. He's a sweetheart and I enjoy his company but he and I are not serious.

Besides all of the things I've mentioned above, moving has been on my mind a lot. Not just moving out of my mother's house and relocating in Chicago but more about my move to Houston and just my future in general. Trying to figure out exactly what I want out of life and how I plan to get it. Now is such a crucial time in my life and I'm more focused now than I have ever been.

I promised myself that 2016 would see a new and improved me;  a healthier me in all aspects of my life. I push myself everyday and I haven't grown tired yet. I'm out for revenge on 2015; I'm coming for everything that year took from me and more.

I cant believe its been almost a month since my last post, my how time flies.

While I'm sure everyone is out at a Superbowl event tonight, fawning over Beyonce's latest edge- snatching appearance, I'm in the comfort of my own home, writing to you all about it.

For as long as I can remember, my weight has always been a constant theme in my life. I hate to sound like an early morning infomercial but I have always struggled with my weight. At the age of 11, I became aware that my weight was a problem. I remember feeling mildly uncomfortable hearing my doctor explain to my mother that I was overweight and that I should become more active to get my weight down. Even then though, the fact that I was overweight didn't bother me. I was never taunted or bullied and I had no qualms with my appearance. It wasn't until high school that my my weight really started to bother me. I gained a lot of weight from freshman to senior year and had even been prescribed weight loss pills. While they did suppress my appetite, so much so that I would forget to eat, and lead to a drastic weight loss, that was only a temporary fix and of course the pounds came back, with a vengeance.