Chasing Crwns : January 2016

How I'm Pose To Stop Eatin: The Road from 200

For as long as I can remember, my weight has always been a constant theme in my life. I hate to sound like an early morning infomercial but I have always struggled with my weight. At the age of 11, I became aware that my weight was a problem. I remember feeling mildly uncomfortable hearing my doctor explain to my mother that I was overweight and that I should become more active to get my weight down. Even then though, the fact that I was overweight didn't bother me. I was never taunted or bullied and I had no qualms with my appearance. It wasn't until high school that my my weight really started to bother me. I gained a lot of weight from freshman to senior year and had even been prescribed weight loss pills. While they did suppress my appetite, so much so that I would forget to eat, and lead to a drastic weight loss, that was only a temporary fix and of course the pounds came back, with a vengeance.

It wasn't until the end of my freshman year in college (2010-2011) that I knew I could not allow myself to gain any more weight. By the second semester of my freshman year my weight had reached 245 pounds and at that point I knew I had to make some changes.

So that is exactly what I did. I decided to completely change my eating habits. I made it my New Years Resolution of 2012 to lose weight. By cutting carbs out of my diet and eating mostly proteins and veggies, I had lost 20 pounds within 2 weeks. My confidence was boosted and my drive to continue to lose weight increased. I wanted to see who I was underneath all the weight.

So I started to work out

In 5 months I had gone from 245 to 195 pounds. That was a 50 pound weight loss. I did it all by myself without the help of nutritionists or trainers and that felt great but I wanted more. For someone who is overweight, and over 200 pounds, dropping into anything less than 200 pounds is like making it to one of your many finish lines. Its like the golden territory: The coveted 100s. So while many women would cringe at seeing 195 pounds on the scale, I wore mine with pride. I continued to make progress until I reached the first goal I ever set. By fall of 2013 I had reached 180 pounds and at that point, couldn't nobody tell me nothin! I just knew I was the sh*t.

It had been a long road to 180 pounds and a hard one to surpass. I've found that 180 is where my body likes to get comfortable. That is where my body likes to plateau. I plateaued at 180 pounds for a full year (2013-2014) before I started seeing any real changes.

Once I got into the 170s(summer 2014), I was the most comfortable I have ever been with my own body. While I still wanted to lose weight, I had little to no complaints with my size.

After living in the 170s for a whole summer I found that by the fall my weight began to pick up again. During the summer my weight would fluctuate from 170 to 175 and by the end of september 2014, my weight reached 190 pounds again. It didn't help that by October, I decided to halt a situationship in its tracks with a guy that I really cared for. Being an emotional eater, food became my best friend while getting through that rough patch,

but eventually I snapped out of my food trance and decided to find some solace in working out.
I was so depressed that I threw myself into a workout routine that consisted of me working out 2 times a day, once in the morning and again in the evening, all while intermittent fasting.

For three months, October 2014 to January 2015, my whole life was work, gym, repeat. Doing that, I saw the lowest weight I had ever seen in my adult life; 160 pounds.

So its 2016 and I'm sure you're wondering where I am on the weight spectrum. I am not proud nor ashamed to say that I am back in the 200s. My weight currently fluctuates from 204 to 207 pounds. I packed on a lot of my weight within the last 6 months. This past summer was emotional hell for me. I went through a deep depression followed by a terrible break up and I attribute all of my weight gain to that. After my break up in August, I started working out heavy again but most of it was muscle building exercises so I know a portion of my weight gain is due to muscle growth.

Either way, I need to lose weight.

I can't fit any of my favorite clothes and I'm generally unhappy with my body right now. Although I've lost weight in the past...there just seems to be one problem this time....

I Cant Stop Eating.

I have always been an emotional eater and have always had a problem with binge eating but it has never been this severe until this past year.

I have already come to terms with the fact that I have irregular eating behaviors and ultimately an eating disorder but honestly it's unacceptable.

I have to change my mental process and although it is a hard thing to do it is possible and must be done.

My goal weight is 145 pounds and I wont stop until I get there.

You are now joining me on my weight loss journey.

Y'all ready?

I am!

11:39 PM
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2016: My Life Is A Movie PT III

breakups

10:51 PM
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2016: My Life Is A Movie Pt II

breakups

The next day, after going home and gathering my thoughts, I was in a much better mindset to process exactly what had happened the night before.

I reflected on it all while I prepared for a date I had that afternoon. (Even with all that had happened I still found time to let somebody take me out. )

But being serious,

I honestly felt like the night before had been a dream. Before that night I hadn't seen Aries since 2012. Seeing him felt surreal. I realized that although he and I were at the same party, I didn't really see him. The situation made me so uneasy that I never really looked him in the face. I spent so much of my night trying to avoid him that I didn't even make eye contact. I didn't hug him or ask how he was doing and now I really regret that. Aside from that night being awkward for me, me being intoxicated played a huge role in me keeping my distance. Also, I had reached out to him numerous times, even before I knew the state of his health and he blew me off, so I was a bit annoyed that he wanted to be all in my face at the party. With me, consistency is always key. I guess my ego overpowered my heart that night and in retrospect I wish I had been sober enough to talk to him. If I could do things differently, I would have asked him how he was really doing and let him know that I was there if he ever needed me. Whether he acknowledges it or not he will always be my friend and I will always love him. I mean, I got a tattoo for that man and although I've had more than enough time to get it covered up, I have yet to do so and probably never will.

Although New Year's Eve was chaotic, hectic, and ironic, my optimism remains resilient. I was able to find good in the situation. I have always believed that every imperfect occurrence happens for a perfect reason, whether we realize it or not. I find myself often dwelling on things that I can not change and hearing of his recent illness really made me feel shitty about how our friendship ended. I've come to the conclusion that although I viewed the situation as imperfect, the encounter was a perfect gift from the universe allowing me to release all negative emotions and feelings for Aries. I'm still happy I got to see him, even if it was under those circumstances.

As I was having this epiphany, feeling like I was coming into my mental glow, my phone began to ring, it was Tee. I figured she was calling to give me the details about the dinner she had planned that night. We made small talk but eventually she told me the real reason for her call. "I just wanted to let you know that I made a snap about my New Years Day dinner and my friend, (Taurus) has RSVP'd. He knows that you are coming and he doesn't mind at all that you will be there."

I sat speechless on the phone for a while, while I tried to find the right words to say. At that moment I contemplated not going. But if I didn't go I felt like I was letting him control me, in plus my greedy butt had been ready for that food since the day she'd invited me. Oddly enough, a small part of me wanted to see him. I honestly just wanted to get the encounter out of the way. Since the break up I had wondered if I would ever see him again because I knew that if it was up to me we would never cross paths. However, being that we share a mutual friend and have other connections I knew it was likely that one day we would. I was honestly hoping that it would be a few years down the line, once I'd completely healed from the break up. I started to feel butterflies in the pit of my stomach and it wasn't the kind that I'd had on our first date nor when he and I had first kissed, it was a different sort of feeling. I guess instead of butterflies in my stomach they were moths in my gut and I started to get nervous at the thought of having to face him.
"Oh, I see." I said as if I was unbothered.
"Well, I've got a date so I'll probably just slide later on, once everyone is gone."

I hung up the phone and proceeded to have a mini internal breakdown.

Now I had planned on being fine for my date but I knew I really had to f*ck it up now. This was going to be a chore for me because I honestly hadn't really been feeling my appearance lately. Since we've been broken up I've gained some weight and its been a long journey back to my healthy lifestyle that I'd had before him. I knew that if I was going to survive that night I had to not only look confident but feel confident. I picked out an outfit that highlighted the areas of my body that I felt were positives and of course that masked the areas I deemed as negatives. I took my time doing my make up. I even wanded my damn hair! (that shit is time consuming and irritating) I made sure I felt like a queen. I told myself that I would have fun on my date and I wouldn't allow the idea of seeing Taurus to ruin my night.

My date and I were supposed to catch a 2 hour long movie and to be honest, I knew I wouldn't be able to sit through that without losing my damn mind. That would allow me too much time to think and since this would be my first date with this guy, I actually wanted to talk and get to know him. Thankfully, my date didn't mind grabbing dinner instead.

He and I actually had a really good time at dinner. I genuinely enjoyed myself with him and I was really happy that I had agreed to go. I was also happy that it was keeping my mind off of the meeting that I would have later on that night. Unfortunately the positive vibes wouldn't last long, at the tail end of my date I got a text message that sent me into a whirlwind of emotions.