Who Am I Angry At?

One thing about me is that I can easily revisit an emotion, regardless of how long ago it occurred. It's almost like the emotion; the feeling is just sitting in my subconscious mind ready at any moment for me to revisit it. 

I would be one hell of an actress. 

My emotional recall is immaculate. 

My emotions, new and old, play out on my body like a puppet on a string. Like a movie on a screen. 

I cry a lot.

Let me get to the question though and Imma start from the beginning and I'm going to be honest.

While I'm grateful for my life,

I'm mad that I was born sometimes. 

I was born to my 22 (eleven-eleven) year old mother.

To my abusive schizophrenic father.

Born in the most depressing state in the United States of America, (Indiana) in the middle of the spookiest season.

and made to live in a basement my first few years of life. (I can really say I started from the bottom.)

My mother made a choice to have a baby by a man that would put his hands on her. She was 22. She had so much more to learn about life. She had so much more to do. But she decided to share her life with me. I understand the beauty in that decision and the sole reason I'm here. But when depression is making its rounds, I often find myself mad that she didn't just decide to live her own life, without me. 

Sometimes I'm mad at my momma. 

Funny enough, I don't spend enough time being mad at my (biological) father. I don't like his kind. I still have empathy for him and I'm mad at myself for that.

I'm mad at his father. The decisions he made that I, innocent and unable to protect myself, have had to live with. I've been mad with him. Rightfully so. A strange feeling being mad at people that are no longer alive.

I'm mad at the man that killed my uncle. Stole so much from my family. Made my mother cry. Made my grandma cry. Took someone so precious from my family.

I'm mad at the men that took advantage of me in my childhood. The men that still walk this mf with no consequence. Although, I know how my ancestors don't play about me so I know they've been getting their lick back long before I realized how taken advantage of I have been,

I'm mad at the tall skinny white btch that stole my money in 6th grade.

I'm mad at the mf that stole my bike that same year.

I'm mad that I mourned my grandfather the way I did when he passed away my sophomore year of high school, not realizing what he did to me in my first few years of life.

I'm angry that my Ex broke up with me when I was the most depressed.

I'm mad at myself for being more focused on revenge and not making amends when the offer was extended.

I'm angry at him for moving on, standing on business, and being happy. 

I'm angry that I still care.

I'm angry that Jordan died.

I'm mad that I let [redacted], come to Houston and he didn't help me at all with the rent.

I'm angry that my father died.

I'm angry at James. How our friendship faded out. How he had a baby and didn't think to mention it. Niggas truly aint shit. 

I'm angry that my aunt and cousin refuse to get the help they need.

 I hate that I'm connected to my aunt. That her actions ever affected me.

I'm angry at how many times I wasnt chosen.

How many times I was played with.

How many times I was embarrassed.

I'm mad at myself for giving people second changes.

I'm angry at Trell for saying I'm his perfect match when he hasn't done anything to work on himself, what a motherfucking insult.

I'm mad that I let him come down to Houston and he failed to do anything he should have done.

I'm mad at Toney that despite his every opportunity to be a good person he always conveniently found a way to be the worst person to me but also someone who has showed me so much love and kindness. I hate the Gemini he is that allows him to exist as both at the same time.

I'm sure I'm mad about some other shit but I went down the timeline and these are the things that come to mind.

Who Have I Not Forgiven?

Oddly enough the grievances I still have aren't with the people I probably should still have them with. 

I've forgiven my grandfather, 

I've forgiven Jordan for some stuff, posthumously,

I haven't forgiven that one Ex I mentioned before.

It's still very much fuck Toney.

I haven't really forgiven the times I wasn't chosen, the times I was embarrassed, the times I gave people second chances. In these instances, I guess that's just me being mad at life. 

What Have Your Fears Been This Year?

This year my fear has been around having enough and my ability to do enough. My fear has been being left out in the cold. Homeless. Not having my shit together. 

I've been afraid of not being able to break cycles.

I been afraid of not being able to succeed and meet my goals.

What Have You Been Holding Yourself Back From Doing?

I have been starting and stopping my career pivot and I know its only me and my struggle with self regulation.

I have been holding myself back from having meaningful connections.

What's Your Best-Case Scenario?

My best-case scenario is that I start making more money. Enough money to pay my immediate debts, pay my bills on autopay, save money, regularly give my mother money and tithe to my family members, and contribute to my community in a meaningful way. Purchase a home or find a place to live that I can permanently call my home or a place to live and stay at longer than two years. I would love to find stability in my home life.

I start and finish my master's degree and begin to work in my aspiring field.

I make beautiful art.

I travel the world and live in paradise.

I can see how abstract and general this is getting so I'm going to be more specific to my best-case scenario in my immediate future.

I make enough money to secure more stable long-term housing somewhere that supports my mental, physical, and emotional health.

I make enough money to not have to worry about money, while I work on my master's degree.

I am able to show up and be my best self. I am able to show up in my personal relationships in a way that represents who I am at my core.

I am present in my relationships. 

I make more meaningful connections and strengthen the ones I already have.

I begin to focus on a more holistic approach as I heal my mind, body, soul.

I replace old patterns and habits and create healthier, more sustainable ones. 

I prioritize myself and my health.

I live with no regrets or anger.

I get to a place in my own journey where I am able to date and find a partner that supports the newfound space I am in that loves me and helps me grow and that I can also love and help grow. A real healthy relationship.

My best-case scenario is a life of substance.  A life of sustenance. A life that does not have me questioning why I'm still here.