Oh, there you are: I found my sad
1:10 PM
Y'all, I thought I beat this, I really did. Thought it was situational and maybe it is.
I never like to write on here when I'm depressed because, well....
depression.
but I've always been moody and I always wrote. When I publish on here, I try to remain authentic. I do feel pressure to remain positive on this platform. Maybe some of y'all need positivity; maybe y'all don't wanna read another post about a sad black girl, or maybe somebody out there savvy to it and feels me more than I ever thought.
So in hope of the latter, I'm going to tell the truth.
I didn't beat depression. I evaded it.
I will probably evade it again and none of it will ever be right until I get to the root....maybe.
This go-round my depression is far less dramatic...we're acquainted (my depression and I) so she spared the bells and whistles.
I mostly just sleep, eat and smoke. I don't cry very often, its a different type of sadness.
This time,
this bout,
I mostly just feel indifferent
to e v e r y t h i n g.
I'm just going through motions,
tried and true,
doing things that I would do if I was more motivated, less sad.
I figure if I do those things, maybe something will work,
maybe something will click,
change things,
so I'm just going through motions.
Why you so sad girl?
Not clinically diagnosed, I do know that I suffer from depression. My first episode started in October of 2014 and has kind of played hide and ̶s̶e̶e̶k̶ show up unannounced and uninvited since then.I remember in May of 2014, right before going shopping for my graduation party, I just had this rush of anxiety. I don't know if it was all the excitement from graduating and moving forward in life but I remember having to take a seat with my cousin and needing to just pray.
I felt the need to pray.
That was the first manifestation of any emotional problem that I can identify.
After I graduated I was hopeful for my future but below the surface I was scared of all the things that might not happen. On top of that, I was soooo enthralled with Taurus and I put so much thought and energy into that situationship because I feared losing it. All of that nervous, anxiety-ridden energy was very present at that time in my life.
I broke that situationship off in October of 2014 and I was so fucked up. That was the first time I had been that sad. It was such an out of the ordinary, gut wrenching sadness.
and while I did fuck with him heavy, like..bruhhh it couldn't have been that deep,
that is why I know that those were past wounds intruding on the sadness of ending something I was so hopeful about.
I think I never really dealt with the root of why these emotional problems started to peak 2 years ago.
Mourning Jordan's transition has definitely been a factor
and the coping mechanism that I've always resorted to, food, has led to weight gain, which has become a source of discontentment in itself.
My home life isn't great. I've tried and tried and tried to remain positive about the situation, just push through until my lease is up but I will admit I constantly feel like I'm at my wit's end.
So what you gone do?
Y'all I don't know. I just know that I can't stay here(emotionally.)I'm writing a lot more, even if its not on here.
I'm trying to give a fuck about shit.
I'm talking to my friends, letting them know what I'm going through.
In addition to reaching out, I'm just doing that self work , as painful as it may be.
If you've been through this and want to share some helpful info with me, I'm open to that.
If you're currently going through something similar, you can let me know that too.
In the meantime, know that I'm here, working on my shit, trying to be better...chasing a crwn or at the very least...peace.
2 comments
I am goi g through something like this. I have had a problem finding my inner self. Ive tried to be what my partner at the time wanted and things were good and then turned to shit. I know that no relationship is peaches and cream, but i still to this day know where my heart is but the person who has it wants nothing to do with me. We both put each others hearts in pits but we always made it work. I feel incomplete without her and have felt like goving up on everything including life but never had the courage to actually go through it. I lack the exact self love that you talked about. I regret everyday about every decision i made. I feel like ive dissappointed her and myself for being so blind and stupid that I think ive lost my soul.
ReplyDeleteKhalyb,
DeleteThe fact that you know that you need to find out who you are and that you could strengthen your self love is already a step in the right direction. No relationship with anyone will fill any void you may have. We often times idealize situations with other people when we feel that we are lacking something as an individual. You have to realize that you lack nothing. You deserve to love yourself as much as you love her. You deserve to want you as much as you want her. You have to be whole before you can be anything to anybody else. I know the heart ache of loving and wanting someone who does not feel the same. It's painful and that pain is real but it's a lesson. It's necessary. You can either choose to go through the pain and receive your lesson or fight it and try to remedy it by trying to get back to this relationship. I challenge you to love yourself through the pain. You may realize that your love is the only one you've been needing this whole time! Thank you for reading this post and sharing your experiences with me, I'm learn through my readers too. If you need to talk email me: crwnfit@gmail.com
Peace and love! 💛