Yesterday was the first day I havent talked to my boyfriend of two years. It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be

Sidenote: All of my posts wil definitely NOT be about this failed relationship. This is just therapy right now. Anything I ever write about this relationship will only be to better myself.

Im usually a very private and secretive person so whenever my boyfriend and I have gone through anything really big in the past I would keep it to myself or talk to him about it. But now that we are at this point. I cant talk to him about it! I opened up to my bestfriend/sister and two of my close friends that I knew would not judge and that would give me insightful and thoughtful advice. I have learned that I do NOT have to go through things a lone and that it feels soooo much better when you can talk to somebody about your problems. Had I not had spoken with those three ladies I do not know where I would be right now. I do realize that throughout this break up process I cant do it a lone. Its going to be a lot of work, internel, emotional and mental work on my part but I realize that I do have a few people that truly care about me and will help me get through it as much as they can!

Latley Ive been trying to stay busy. Get out more. Stay happy and meet new people. (Lately: yesterday and today LOL) I had to work which didnt really help because it is truly mindless work and all I have to do is think. Which is good but also nerve wrecking because I just want a break sometimes. The only break I get from thinking about everything is sleep and I havent been able to sleep as late as I wish I could.

While I was at work thinking I have realized that even though I will miss him dearly I deserve much more and so does he. The bad times outweighed the good and although it pains me to say it, we were unhappy. He was not able to treat me the way he used to because the constant arguing had drained him. I worked so hard to ensure that things would run smoothly that I was not being myself. I was literally losing myself. Im the type of person that loves to laugh, I love to speak my mind and my friends and I always have a ball. I found myself becoming quiet and timid around him because I didnt want to say anything that would irritate him. It seemed as though everything I ever said or did aggravated him. In retrospect, I see that now. I see how very different we both are and how all of this could have been avoided if we wouldn't have ignored the signs and walked away earlier. I do not regret this relationship I know that I have learned a lot about dealing with other people. Although Im not ready to get back into any other relationships for a while, I hope that when I meet someone Im much more cautious with my emotions and my time and I often forget that I am only 20. I have my whole life ahead of me so really this time will be spent on ME.

Im going to start doing things that I probably would have been hesitant to do before. Like go on a roadtrip with my Scorpio Sister!!! To Ohio we go! We will be visting one of her close friends that I was introduced to last year!Its going to be great fun and I can NOT wait!

I promised myself that I would LIVE. That is exactly what I plan to do! Unapologetically!

I hate failing and giving up. At times I'm overly optimistic and I always feel like everything can always be fixed. If people want to sincerely fix it. I'm not talking about material things I'm talking about relationships with people. I am in the process of ending a two year relationship. Wow, it feels so strange to type that. To actually see it and know that it is the truth. Everything I have shared with this one person for two years is now over.It hurts. Its scary. I'm twenty years old and it seems that nothing is certain, nothing in my life is constant or concrete. The only thing that has been constant is the fact that things keep on changing.

I started college two years ago. As soon as I left my parents decided to separate. At a time when life was so new I needed that rock. I needed that foundation and it was not there. They moved out of the home I had lived in since the beginning of highschool and moved back to chicago in seperate apartments. I decided to live with my mom. All of this happened while I was away at school. On holidays and breaks I had no idea what I was going to come home to. In addition to that Im starting to be on my own financially and that is scary. Of course I get a few dollars from my parents every now and then but I work. I have bills and this adult life aint no Ho*. Excuse my language. I dont have the same home, the same car, the same lifestyle anymore and I honestly dont think I ever got a chance to take that all in. Its like, DAMN CAN WE PAUSE THIS SH*T FOR A WHOLE MOMENT???

I guess not because now the person that I went through all of this with, who I leaned on for emotional support, can no longer be in my life. This break up is happening at another point of change in my life. I'm transferring from one University to another and the whole process has not gone as planned. Im attending a school that I never would have considered before but because of financial reasons and the major that I have chosen Im going to take a chance. It seems that everything is changing before my eyes and that I am not in control of anything. The one thing that I thought I had control over was my relationship and I have failed at that. I feel so discouraged. Im trying so hard to stay positive but I dont know if I will succeed. How do I get over someone Ive spent two years of my life with? It seems impossible. All I know is I need a break from..CHANGE...and its irritating because no one can control life and the changes that come with it. and Ive always been so optimistic and open to change and new things but everything is happening so fast. I need some regularity.

Ive always loved to write. Writing has always been one of the few ways I could openly express myself. I remember being a preteen feeling heavily misunderstood and I would hide away in my room and write about all the things that troubled me. I was so dramatic. Anytime my parents pissed me off, which they often did back then, I would go to my room and write for hours. Now that Im 20 years old, writing has been that one thing that I know I can do, that I know I should do but I just never do. I think it has a lot to do with trying not to face reality. If I wrote everything that came to mind I would have to face the issues that I have going on and the mere thought of that seems too much. But since I started this blog a few months ago, I Promised I'd Write. I just lied. I have been promising myself I would write way before I created this blog. But without fail, I have managed to run from my promise. To avoid doing the one thing that has ever made me feel at peace. I'm ready to be at peace. I'm ready to write again.